Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
