I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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