then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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