You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
