a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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