Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
