Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
