508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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