wakey wakey hands off snakey
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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