My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
