he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
no more duck duck goose at the bar
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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