i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
