Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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