Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
