I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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