Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
