Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
