Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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