we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
