i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
