Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
