I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
