Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
