just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
