If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Someone came in the potted fern
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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