I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
