I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
