respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
