apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
love makes seman taste better
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
