DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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