My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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