just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
