Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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