My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
