'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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