I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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