I need help removing her.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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