Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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