I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
