Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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