i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
