im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
