My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
