so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
