i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
