Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
