babies were throwing up all over the place
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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