Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
