and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
