so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
