I want to have your abortion
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
