Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize