You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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