I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
