I met the friendliest cop last night
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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