Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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