All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
