Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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