Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
