Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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