I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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