Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize