Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
